Humor
These are just some things that I think are funny and have nothing to do with Motorcycling. This is a work in progress so check back frequently.
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What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%?What makes up 100% in life?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K is
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E is
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E is
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T is
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G is
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She then says hello.
He’s rather taken a back because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, ‘Do you know me?’
To which she replies, ‘I think you’re the father of one of my kids.’
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with a riding crop???”
She looks into his eyes and says calmly,…’No, I’m your son’s teacher.’
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Texas Phone Poll
The latest telephone poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas
asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration
is a serious problem:
A) 35% of respondents answered: “Yes, it is a serious problem.”
B) 65% of respondents answered: “No es una problema serio.”
Larry the Cable Guy Wisdom
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the
spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below
average.
6. He who laughs last thinks the slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second
mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some
people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending
machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple
of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise
my hand.
14. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you’re in
the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays
off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without
sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked
into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death,
twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person
wondering, “What the heck happened?”
22. Just remember — if the world didn’t suck, we
would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates; it’s more
like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt
tomorrow.
COMPUTER TROUBLE
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’
Richard grinned…. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?’
‘No,’ I replied.
‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T … I used to like the little sh-t………….
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.
The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the
twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were
inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the
world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt,’ you can correct them.
Sincerely
Crock O. Schitt
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia’s third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica .
No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Florexico.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Abortion clinics now available in every High School in the United States.
Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Florexico voters still having trouble with voting machines.
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Middle east photo booth
Road KIll
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There is no denying the difference between men and women. Here are just a few examples:
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Mexican Navy Seal
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Water found on Mars!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.
The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.
The American says, “Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?”
The english guy says, “A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle”.
“Wow”, says the American, “Can I have a go?”
“Sure”, Says the Englishman.
The american rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, “You have one wish” Says the genie.
The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.
About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.
The American says “I don’t believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks”.
The englishman says “Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?”
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I went to the doctor for a checkup . After looking at the charts he told me I need to quit masturbating . When I asked him why he said ‘ Because I’m trying to examine you ‘ .
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There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
So first he pointed at his eyes (meaning “I”) then pointed at his knees (meaning “need”), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.Finally the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jack off. The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy: “You idiot, I was trying to say, I need a hand saw”. The other guy replied: “I know, I was trying to tell you that “I am coming…”.
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute and says “Well:
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
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A man goes skydiving. After a fantastic free fall he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens. He tries everything but can’t get it open.
Just then another man flies by him, going UP. The skydiver yells, “Hey, you know anything about parachutes? The man replies, “No, you know anything about gas stoves?
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