Humor
These are just some things that I think are funny and have nothing to do with Motorcycling. This is a work in progress so check back frequently.
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I think I know this Pilot.
An old Pilot sat down in a Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sipped his coffee, a beautiful young blonde sat down next to him.
She turned to him and asked, “Are you a real pilot??”
He replied, “Well, I spent my entire adult life flying airplanes;
Piper Cubs, Aeronca’s; flew Corsairs in WWII and later in the
Korean conflict; taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds;
flew many airliners, and retired as a Boeing 747 Captain … so,
I reckon, I am a pilot.”
She said, “Wow!! I’m impressed!! Well, I’m a lesbian!
I spend all my time thinking about beautiful naked women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women.
When I shower, I think about naked women.
When I watch TV, I think about naked women.
Seems like just about everything makes me think of naked women.
So, that’s why I’m a lesbian.”
The two sat sipping their coffee in silence.
Later, a young man sat down on the other side of the pilot and asked,
“Are you a real pilot?”
He replied, “Well, I had always thought I was,
but I just learned … that I’m a lesbian.”
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A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. ‘You know what?’ says the 6 year old. ‘I think it’s about time we started cussing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, ‘when we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, ‘Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.’
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, ‘You can stay there until I let you out!’ She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, ‘ And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?’ I don’t know, he blubbers, ‘but you can bet your ass it won’t be Cheerios!’
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Charley the Wal-Mart greeter
Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. ”Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a fantastic job, but your being late so often is bothersome. I know you’re retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?”
“They said, ‘Good morning, General. Would you like some coffee this morning, sir?”
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This Doctor is for real and just full of common sense.
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! ….. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
AND…..
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%?What makes up 100% in life?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K is
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E is
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E is
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T is
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G is
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She then says hello.
He’s rather taken a back because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, ‘Do you know me?’
To which she replies, ‘I think you’re the father of one of my kids.’
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with a riding crop???”
She looks into his eyes and says calmly,…’No, I’m your son’s teacher.’
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Texas Phone Poll
The latest telephone poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas
asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration
is a serious problem:
A) 35% of respondents answered: “Yes, it is a serious problem.”
B) 65% of respondents answered: “No es una problema serio.”
Larry the Cable Guy Wisdom
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the
spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below
average.
6. He who laughs last thinks the slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second
mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some
people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending
machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple
of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise
my hand.
14. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you’re in
the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays
off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without
sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked
into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death,
twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person
wondering, “What the heck happened?”
22. Just remember — if the world didn’t suck, we
would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates; it’s more
like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt
tomorrow.
COMPUTER TROUBLE
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’
Richard grinned…. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?’
‘No,’ I replied.
‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T … I used to like the little sh-t………….
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.
The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the
twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were
inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the
world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt,’ you can correct them.
Sincerely
Crock O. Schitt
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia’s third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica .
No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Florexico.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Abortion clinics now available in every High School in the United States.
Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Florexico voters still having trouble with voting machines.
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Middle east photo booth
Road KIll
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There is no denying the difference between men and women. Here are just a few examples:
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Mexican Navy Seal
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Water found on Mars!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.
The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.
The American says, “Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?”
The english guy says, “A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle”.
“Wow”, says the American, “Can I have a go?”
“Sure”, Says the Englishman.
The american rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, “You have one wish” Says the genie.
The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.
About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.
The American says “I don’t believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks”.
The englishman says “Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?”
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I went to the doctor for a checkup . After looking at the charts he told me I need to quit masturbating . When I asked him why he said ‘ Because I’m trying to examine you ‘ .
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There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
So first he pointed at his eyes (meaning “I”) then pointed at his knees (meaning “need”), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.Finally the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jack off. The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy: “You idiot, I was trying to say, I need a hand saw”. The other guy replied: “I know, I was trying to tell you that “I am coming…”.
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute and says “Well:
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
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A man goes skydiving. After a fantastic free fall he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens. He tries everything but can’t get it open.
Just then another man flies by him, going UP. The skydiver yells, “Hey, you know anything about parachutes? The man replies, “No, you know anything about gas stoves?
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